I was five years old, about to start Kindergarten and excited for the possibilities that starting school could give to me. By this point in my life, I knew the Mommy and Daddy never got along. I didn’t always understand why, but I knew that bad words were yelled quite often, and I knew that we had four holes in our walls from previous fights.

The trailer that we lived in — which happened to be our fourth house that year — was small in size. The walls were light blue. There was an opening in the wall that separated the living room and the kitchen, allowing you to look into either side. The ledge of that opening is where my blue Care Bear sat, and right next to that was the white chair that became my safe haven that night.

As most fights begin, the one between my parents started with yelling expletives and derogatory statements at each other. Then the hitting, kicking, pushing, choking and punching began. I hid behind the chair for a majority of the fight and just listened to the sounds of struggle between the two. Eventually I had the courage to peek over the chair and saw my mother shove my father into the wall hard. Five holes. The next thing I saw was a bottle of ketchup being launched across the room, and then ricocheting off the wall, splattering all over my Care Bear. Six holes.

I tried to remember what my preschool teacher told me to do when someone was being hurt. It was something with numbers. Three numbers. 911. I was supposed to call 911 when someone was being hurt, which is what was happening at that time. So I called, and waited for help to arrive. Scary people with guns came, took my parents away and I got to go spend the night in a strange building with adults that I didn’t know. A couple days later, my grandparents came and I got to stay with them for a really long time.

That night defined my perception of relationships for the rest of my life. The fight instilled a fear in me, and convinced me that all I can expect from relationships is abuse. As a five-year-old, I learned what domestic abuse was. I learned that my entire life consisted of domestic violence all around me: between my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my neighbors, my mom and her parents, my mom and I. It was a repeating cycle that never ended, and it took me until I was a sophomore in high school to really understand that that’s not what a healthy relationship is.

Domestic violence needs to be acknowledged and understood  for all that it is, not just the physical aspect. Physical abuse is horrible and nobody deserves it, but our bodies usually heal, except for extreme cases. Domestic violence includes emotional abuse. The expletives and derogatory statements that I mentioned earlier was a form of abuse in itself. Both forms of abuse also come with psychological effects that can’t ever be reversed. Living in constant fear of what your parent or significant other might do to you or say about you screws with your brain and can lead to anxiety, depression, paranoia and post-traumatic stress disorder.

The harm isn’t limited to those directly involved. I was a bystander and I still have nightmares about my parents’ fights. I have abandonment issues and it takes me unbelievable amounts of time to truly trust someone.

Abuse isn’t exclusive to women, either. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, one in seven men have been abused by their partner at some point in their lifetime. Men are victims too, and they need to be treated equally.

If you or someone you know is being abused in any way, encourage them to get help. Don’t make them feel like they’re being forced to report it, and don’t feel bad if they don’t listen to your pleas for them to get help. You can’t force people to get help if they don’t want it. However, if the situation becomes potentially fatal, all bets are off. Call the police and do anything you can to get them out of harm’s way. If you’re worried about confidentiality, there’s a hotline you can call: 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.  

Domestic violence is not to be taken lightly and should never be brushed off. Take care of yourself, your friends and your family. It could save lives.