I would like to make a formal apology to all of my teachers — past, present and future teachers — who I have and will disappoint.

I want to apologize for skipping class, for turning in work weeks late, for hiding behind my humor and for not being a functioning member of your classes.

I am not writing this to get pitied looks from students and teachers alike, and I am not looking to use my mental illness as an excuse for my poor behavior. I am writing this to hopefully shed some light and open the eyes of at least one person.

As a human being living with anxiety, going to some classes can feel like climbing a mountain. The idea of sitting in your class and being too afraid to raise my hand, afraid to speak out in fear of looking like an idiot, can be terrifying. So instead, I skip class. And for that I’m sorry.

As a human being living with depression, I find it incredibly difficult to see the purpose in doing the work I am assigned. My mental illness doesn’t understand why I should do this work when I’m not even sure if I will live to see graduation day, or even the day it gets entered in the grade book. And when the day comes that I do see that zero in the grade book, my heart sinks even further. Rinse and repeat. And for that I’m sorry.

I would also like to apologize to all the school nurses I’ve ever had. I’m sorry for constantly hiding in your office, catching up on sleep that escaped me last night and the night before, or running away from responsibilities and classwork.

Juggling my mental illness, school work, attempting to have a social life with minimal conflict and be a daughter my parents can be proud of gets tiring and ultimately makes seemingly small things like a study guide seem like an endless wave of papers that will never be finished.

In no way am I asking for a free pass or using my mental illness as an excuse. I am simply trying to explain myself. Self sabotage is never a fun experience, so the notion that I am doing these things to slack off or that I am more concerned with my social life or other activities is completely false.

If I could I would be a better student, a better classmate and a better member of this school and community. But for me and many other mentally ill people it is not that simple.

So please, don’t think that I am lazy or unwilling. I am trying my hardest. I am aware that sometimes my best isn’t good enough, and for that I’m sorry.

Sincerely, your student.