Satire: Fearing exposing students, IT expert pushes for stricter firewall

Greg Woods, Editor-in-Chief

Disclaimer: This story is purely satirical, in honor of April Fool’s Day on April 1. It is not meant to be taken at face value.

Reasserting the school district firewall’s sustained success and favorable reputation, USD 383 IT employee Carlton Lee explained Monday that he is pleased with the district’s policies regarding student internet use.

“The firewall, really, is fantastic,” Lee said. “I can only speak for myself, but I don’t see any reason why high school students should be allowed complete Internet access. Especially with how much classes revolve around paper and pencil.”

Lee, whose father operates a local farm and whose mother stays at home, tending to laundry and dishes, said the internet is crawling with a dangerous amount of inappropriate material, an amount far too great to risk staining students’ innocent minds.

“I use it a lot, just because I’m the IT guy, but man, the Internet is a crazy place. You open up Google, and bam, you see some dude with long hair singing about how it’s too late to say sorry,” Lee said. “That’s the kind of stuff we can’t expose to students.”

When questioned about Internet information that could be of use to students and their classwork, Lee dismissed any potential perks.

“Look, it’s not like there’s anything useful for students on the Internet,” he said. “I seriously doubt anyone in high school is researching capital punishment or the Civil War. That’s absurd.”

The six-year IT expert went further, saying only a handful of websites should be made available to students.

“Honestly, the firewall is pretty lenient as it is. I’d like to make it stricter,” Lee said. “Ideally, students should only be able to access the basics, like Cool Math and Little Einstein videos. What more could they need?”

Lee also waved off the idea that his upbringing affects his policy views regarding the Internet.

“Where I come from, it’s all productivity, just like what the firewall allows students to be,” he said. “No fun or games. I probably only spend about two percent of my time relaxing. The other 98, I’m getting things done.”