Disclaimer: This story is purely satirical, in honor of April Fool’s Day on April 1. It is not meant to be taken at face value.

Last Tuesday junior Kiara Miller checked her boyfriend, junior Justin Price, into Via Christi Hospital for severely low listening levels.

“I’m not sure when Justin’s condition began,” Miller said. “At first we just texted, so there was no indication of his disorder. When we started hanging out I thought it would pass, but when we got closer I told him about this girl who’s telling everyone I use too much perfume and he still showed no interest. That was when I first knew something was seriously wrong.”

Though Miller suspected Price had low listening levels, at first she thought the condition was not severe enough to warrant hospitalization.

“I kept telling him, ‘listen to me,’” Miller said. ‘I thought maybe that would help him, but his condition was too serious for that to work. He would just say ‘I am’ and keep on not listening. It was maddening.”

The turning point was when Price checked his March Madness brackets on his phone while Miller compared him to her former boyfriend.

“That was when I was like, ‘this has to end,’” Miller said.

Miller drove Price to the hospital and told him to get out. Price, still on his phone, followed Miller into Via Christi, where she checked him into the listening deficiency center. There, Price will undergo an intensive therapy of romantic comedies, Nicolas Sparks novels and basic communication classes.

“We find that a lot of men with low listening levels struggle interacting with females,” Katherine Spintz, nurse at Via Christi, said. “So we have them in the room and have a kind of two-way therapy. Girls who have recently struggled through painful breakups come in and talk to the low-listening-level patients. If the girl feels like the patient is not listening to her, she swats him with a fly swatter. This releases the tension the girl may be feeling and, hopefully, also activates the low-listening-level patient’s cells.”

Price, still suffering from his condition, declined to comment.

The date of Price’s release from the hospital is yet to be determined.